being somewhat at peace. I’m not sure what to make of it either. On one hand I feel like crying for joy, on the other hand I’m not sure that I am completely at peace with this, or if it is yet another emotion my body pretends to have to make myself feel better. Though considering the mood I was in before talking to him, I believe that maybe, just maybe, I may have finally moved on.

(I gave up on the promt.. meh.)

Of course, if you know me, you know that I’m talking about Lars. Lately I decided that I wasn’t going to remove him from my life, that in doing so it seemed to just hurt more if he ended up coming back into it. I decided that I would be his friend, but that I needed to learn that just because we used to be lovers, didn’t mean that he would talk to me as much as we used to. This took some adjusting to get used to. I would crave his attention, and become hurt if he wasn’t invested in the conversation as I was. This, was our biggest problem in being friends with each other. I knew that if I honestly wanted to keep him in my life as a friend that I would have to get over this. So I decided that I wouldn’t IM him first. I would let him IM me. If he wanted to talk, then we would talk, if he didn’t want to talk, then obviously we wouldn’t. I do not remember when I started this, but tonight I changed my mind. I came home from hanging out with Lexi and Ryan, along with Sky and Kay, and I saw that he was online. Being that I’ve been in a very good mood the past couple of days, I decided to IM him. At once I realized that I didn’t mind if he didn’t reply. That I wasn’t waiting for the next thing that he would say. Yes I was interested in talking to him, but it was simply that.

He told me a few things about his girlfriend and himself, and for the first time, the evil person inside of me wasn’t secretly a little happy that things were going wrong between them. I honestly 100% felt bad for him and wished that things would change for him because I know that deep down he is a good person, and deserves to be happy. I wanted to make him feel better, because he was my friend, not because he was my former lover. My feelings never reached anything past feeling for a friend.. and it astonished me. After years of wondering if I would ever get over him, I feel like I am honestly taking the first steps to no longer caring about him in that way. It makes me want to cry for joy, and sorrow. Joy for the fact that I have overcome this feeling, that I am strong enough to move on, and to be completely happy with Richard. Yet sorrow that I will actually be closing the book (so to speak) on a huge part of my life. Though in that aspect the one good way to look at things is that he will always have a spot in my heart.

Oddly enough because of all this (and since I decided to let him speak first) I feel like in this amount of time, I’ve matured. I’ve grown up and seen a new side of things, and because of it gotten even closer to Richard. I feel a sense of… knowing now instead of always wondering and it brings me immense happiness.

I just hope that this isn’t a short feeling, that this is something that will last. That I can finally overcome the breakup between Lars and I, and that I can be completely, no holding back, happy with Richard.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings, but for now, I’m ready for the challenge <3