“When it comes to cooking are you a free spirit or do you stick to the recipe? Do you follow recipes down to the exact measurement or do you guesstimate and and experiment? Why or why not?”

When I’m trying something new that I know nothing about, I follow a recipe, when I’m making something that I know about, I’ll just throw this and that together. I’ve always been like this. Why? I have no idea..I think it’s more fun!

also, for the next post, if you’re registered on my blog, and I’ve set you to “close friend” you’ll be able to read it. Otherwise, it will be password protected.

“When you’re not up for cooking or eating at home what restaurants do you generally go to? How often do you go and which ones are your favorites?”

Honestly I don’t really go to restaurants all that much. When I don’t feel like cooking something I pretty much force myself to because there is no reason to order out when I’m perfectly capable of making something myself, and saving myself money.

My favorite place to go though when I’m feeling “special” is either a brazillian steakhouse or texas road house.

Life..

*sigh*

Sky and Lexi have both said that if I ever call myself fat around them again that they’ll both slap me. It honestly pisses me off, because I am fat. There is no denying it. I’m not at a healthy weight, nor fat to muscle ratio. More of me jiggles than stays still. Therefore, fat.  If they want to slap me for this, then so be it. If I’ll be slapped for saying the truth, whatever.

Tonight was girls night, and in all honesty I was completely disconnected the entire time. I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking about things in my life. Friends, family, etc.. Tonight I was mostly in my own world working out my problems with myself and with others.

Jessie seems to have made her way into the group perfectly. Tonight we had “girls night”. At the beginning it was me more so watching the “group” of girls. I’m still upset with Jessie for what she told me last night, simply because I had hopes for the way things were going, to have a door closed in my face. I know she wasn’t leading me on, and she could have made it worse by waiting to tell me, but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurt my feelings, and lately those have been all sorts of fucked up. So in all honesty I didn’t want to be around her to begin with. I’m extremely attracted to her and having said door closed means I have to figure out how to not be attracted to her, or at least come to terms with it. With Lexi and Sky it was easy. There was never the possibility of something happening between the two of us. So being their friend was easy. Yes I’m still very much so attracted to both of them, but never once have I thought that something would honestly happen besides just being friends.

Anyway, I watched the group.. it seemed when Jessie would ask the “group” something she would look to Lexi and Sky, they would agree and not a second glance towards me. This happened more than once, and it just made me not want to be around her even more. I felt like I was being kicked out of my own group. Lexi had said that Jessie is an addition, not a replacement, so then why is it each time we hang out I feel like I’m losing those that are closest to me? And no this isn’t a fact of they can only be friends with me an no one else. Sky has friends, Lexi has friends, its just that Jessie is now part of the group.. which is very small to begin with.. and I’ve always felt like I was the glue that kept it going.. and now I feel like I’m being left out of things(even if it hasn’t happened (for all that I know?) it still feels like it).

I’ve decided that I’m going to try and see a therapist again. I’m going to go up Saturday and get a psych evaluation.

I thought a lot about where Lexi had said that I define myself by the people that I’m with, so I’ve decided to take a step back from things. If Lexi or Sky want to hang out, they’re free to text me, and if I’m not busy I’ll come over, but I’m not going to dedicate trying to get out of this apartment every single night. Even though me time sometimes scares me, I need it. I need to find myself again instead of pretending that everything is alright.

The Lee situation.. I’m not even sure what to do about anymore.

He told me that he wanted to see me this week, and when we talked monday it seemed that I was going to be going down on tuesday to see him. Tuesday after work I came home, took a shower, did my hair and found a dress that he had previously commented on that he liked on me. I finished getting ready, and after two hours of waiting for him to tell me if I was coming down or not, I finally gave up. I ended up taking Lexi to work and teaching Sky how to make my mashed potatoes.. Lee said that he was sorry for not getting back to me sooner, and in all honesty it wasn’t completely his fault. I can’t expect him to be by his phone all the time, and I know that I’m not a major priority in his life, nor is his phone. Yes, I got angry, but in the end I realized that I was blowing it completely out of proportion.

He said that he wanted to shoot for him coming down here on Friday.. well, tomorrow is Friday. He said that as far as he knows he’s coming down tomorrow. However, insecure rochelle (or more so emotional rochelle as I’ve named it..) is scared that he’s going to bail at the last minute. I’m scared that he’ll give me a bullshit excuse for not being able to come down, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I keep telling myself “If he does that then I’m done, I’m not going to put up with this bullshit.” but I’m not sure if I can keep to that. I care about him too much.. and honestly want to see where this takes me. And because I’m too much of a pussy to end things when there is the potential for them to grow(see all the guys that have broken up with me because I still have hope..). I wish I didn’t feel the way that I do, but I can’t change my feelings, so its either suck it up and deal with it, or continue to be emotional. For some reason I’m trying to find a happy medium.. trying to find a way to keep my emotions in check. To me, I’m doing absolutely dreadful, but I have no idea how he sees this all.

I find that I can’t talk about him with Lexi or Sky, at least not my feelings and how things are going. The only news I feel I can actually talk about is if things are going good, or if they end. Otherwise I hear them tell me the things I already know. I know that this whole situation is fucked up. I know that he’s not really handling it correctly, one second its take it slow, the next its him sending me a dick picture trying to turn me on (which.. always works :/). He’s sending me mixed signals, and its confusing the fuck out of me. Rational Rochelle gets that he wants to take it slow, but also understands that he’s going about it completely wrong. That I should set limits, instead of letting him set them. But I can’t because as always, my emotions rule out on rationality when it comes to my own feelings…I want more than anything to protect myself from getting hurt, but at the same time I’m afraid in doing so I’ll push him away, and its the last thing I want right now.

I started talking to a friend again.. someone that knows me better than anyone else. I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to them about all this, at least not in depth.. they seem to be the only person I can listen to when it comes to advice with my own heart. *sigh*

In other news, I’m kicking my ass into shape. I’m going to the gym three days a week with Lexi (and possibly sky?) doing pole fitness classes with Sky on Sundays and then 5 days of the week training in Brazillian Jiu Jitsu(BJJ). I’ve got a nice collection of bruises, and for me, thats saying something. I’m not one to bruise easily, so when I do, I actually love them. Proof that I’ve been doing at least something.. I’m hoping to get down to 130-140 pounds. But in all honesty its not about the pounds but more so being in shape. If I’m in shape and weigh more, whatever, I just want to be comfortable in my own body again.

Ryan came home today. He had to go away on business, and wasn’t supposed to get home until tomorrow. Sky, Jessie and myself helped him plan to surprise Lexi. I was really happy that she could have Ryan back early. I knew it was hard on her to be away form him. At the same time it made me a bit jealous. Guys have never really surprised me with something like that. The one thing that stands out in my mind like that, is when Lars sent me roses (my favorite flower) on Halloween (my favorite holiday) with a balloon that said I love you. Surprises don’t happen too often to me, I seem to be the one to help plan them, help exicute them, or do them myself. *sigh*

anyway I believe this is long enough, there is a lot more I would like to say, but in all honesty I feel like I’m already going to get bitched out for what I’ve said..so until later. Or for my diary..

“If you’re currently in a relationship how long have you been dating/married/etc? How did you meet? If you’re not what is your ideal relationship like and what do you look for in a s/o?”

I’m not in a relationship.. ask me this two weeks ago, yeah I’d be in one. Richard and I broke up, and in all honesty I haven’t really talked about it. It broke my heart, but it was the right thing to do. I felt like I had lost myself to our relationship. I lost my voice, I lost my personality. I love him, I honestly do, and I will for the rest of my life…but I couldn’t deal with the distance. I couldn’t deal with feeling like there was always a part of me that I was never letting be happy.

There were weeks that I went just going through the motions. Getting on skype because it was habit, staying up late, because it was habit. Since we broke up though, I can’t sleep in a bed by myself. I stay up all night, hoping for sleep to come, but it never does. I’ve resorted to sleeping on my couch.. in my own apartment. I hate how pathetic I’ve become, but at the same time, I realize that I have to stop with looking at myself as a failure 24/7.

The other night the group (Lexi, Sky, Kay, Ryan and Jessie) and I decided to have a drinking night. None of us had work/school the next day/night, so it made the most sense. This was the first time I had introduced Jessie to the group. She got along smashingly with everyone. Then she started giving people massages and Kay made a comment that she was a better warm body than I was.. due to the fact that massages have always been my thing..and then kay’s comment..it kinda broke me. I ended up going inside and hiding in the bathroom. I kept telling myself how easily replaced I am (because all my life I have been easily replaced..) and that I’ll always be second best. I said how I should have seen it coming, that I don’t deserve to have people close to me, and that I ruin every relationship that I’ve ever been in. What got me the most, is that Jessie and I used to be friends.. and she dumped me.. like I was absolutely nothing, and I’m scared she’ll do the same thing…and if she does, will my friends choose her or me? Will the two girls that I consider my sisters, still be her friend if she tears me apart again? And if they do, how am I supposed to deal with that? I stayed in the bathroom for I don’t know how long until Lexi came in. She said I define myself by the people I surround myself with.. and where yes I believe I do that to an extent, I don’t do it completely. It’s something that I honestly need to change. She told me that she really wants me to start seeing someone..I told her I can’t.

I don’t trust others well with the thoughts that are going on in my head. I consider Lexi and Sky my sisters and there are still things that I’m afraid to tell them. If I can’t tell them, how can I tell a stranger? Especially with everything that has gone on before with therapists…me telling them something and them telling my parents. I realize my parents are no longer in the picture, but still..my secrets are mine, and I dare not speak of them to someone I don’t trust. I told Lexi (in the bathroom) that had I not stayed there the past couple of nights, that I wasn’t sure what would happen to me. Every single bad habit that I used to have keeps trying to come back. I’m confused in my life, and I’m unsure how to fix anything. Having the girls there for me though, really does help. Being around both of them reminds me that I have someone..and if I choose not to go to them, then it becomes my problem.

I also mentioned to Lexi that I’ve felt like I’ve been being pushed away. I’ve been trying to get a routine going where all three of us work out together, and then do circles together (we’re pagan)..I even gave them both keys to my apartment, but each and every week that I try, it doesn’t happen. Either Sky is busy or Ryan refuses to let Lexi go out.. it’s been pushed back so many times that I just gave up. I also told her about the fact that no one ever comes to me.. that I gave them keys for a reason, but no one seems to want to try and make the effort to come to me. She said that she didn’t realize, and that she thought I enjoyed going over there. Where yes, I really do, I’ve always gone to others. I drove to Lynchburg, Virginia to meet Poet, I drove to Indiana to meet Alanna… I drove to Pittsburgh to meet Whitney.. I drive to my parents house (they continue to say they’re going to come visit me but they don’t.) when in Holland, I would go to Anneloes, I drive to Lexi’s, I drive to Sky’s… I drive.. everywhere.. never has someone offered to come to me (actually one person did..but we’ll get into him later..). However I also realize that Lexi and Sky really can’t.. neither have a car.. but for some reason, it still honestly bugs me.

*sigh* the section I don’t really want to get to.. Lee..

I guess I should actually explain lee.. instead of making everyone wonder (if you even were..)…

I met lee on a website, he contacted me, we talked for a while, and the friday after Richard and I broke up, he drove up to morgantown to see me (the one person that has come to me..) we then drove to my parents house in VA because there was a party both of us really wanted to go to on Saturday. Friday night when we got to my parents he asked me to make him something eat. Me not knowing how hungry he was, started making an actual meal.. we ate, and then my step sister got the best of my nerves, so I walked outside, and started swinging on the swing we have (think large couch that swings.). Lee came out and sat next to me. He pulled me close.. and I allowed it. He put his arm around me..and I rested my head on his shoulder. We stayed like this for a bit, and he sat up, and then started to kiss my neck(my weakness). He pulled away and jokingly said “calm down” to which I informed him that my neck is my sweet spot so to speak. He continued, and then he kissed me. He sat down beside me and we went back to me laying on him, with his arm around me. We talked about random things. I asked him how he tore his ACL, and how long ago he did it. When telling me how he tore it, he actually demonstrated it on me. Afterwards he decided that he would be slick and show me how much he knows about martial arts. He flipped me.. one second feet on the ground, next, back on the ground. It didn’t hurt at all, but it was amazing at how little effort he used.

We went back into the house, and I cleaned up the mess that I had made while he got changed. I went downstairs, and got changed myself, then we laid down to go to sleep. I don’t even remember how it happened.. but we ended up having sex. He got hard, put a condom on, and we had sex. about 15 minutes into it, he got soft though, I got him hard again, and we went at it again, to which, it got soft again. He seemed extremely unhappy about it, and I was as well, but eh, shit happens. At first it didn’t bother me at all.. then my brain started to think.. and all I could think was maybe its because I’m not attractive.. because I’m so fat, etc…

The next day he informed me that it wasn’t the case, he didn’t know what happened. We went to our party, and about 2 hours into it he told me that he wanted to take things slow between us. That he didn’t want to rush into a relationship. I felt like someone had slapped me in the face. Never have I slept with a guy without being in a relationship..and here I was about to be proved exactly why you don’t do that! The rest of the night I asked him to explain what slow meant, he said no sex, but everything else was okay.. but how is that slow?

On the way home from the party I told him that I couldn’t sleep in the same bed with him as I knew I would want to have sex again. I told him he could sleep in my bed and that I would sleep on the couch. He said he felt bad for taking my bed, I explained I usually sleep on the couch anyway so no harm no foul. Well when we got home, he went downstairs.. I stayed upstairs. He ended up texting me to come downstairs. I couldn’t resist because at that point and time I just needed someone to cuddle up to. When I got downstairs he was 100% clothed, and distant. I asked him later if he told me to come down because he wanted to, or out of courtesy. He said he wanted it.. I still don’t know what to make of it.

When we got back to morgantown, he left for Charleston.. we talked more about slow, and it pretty much means friends that are attracted to each other and want to be in a relationship, but are making sure its the right move. It’s the best choice, and I know it is, but I don’t exactly like it.

He was in Charleston for a week, and during that week it honestly felt like he was extremely distant. Like he got what he wanted and he was just going to leave. Sometimes I still get that feeling. However he’s now in Fairmont (30 minutes from Morgantown) for school. Last night we talked and he said he wanted to see me this week, but that he wasn’t sure when. It seemed that he wanted it to be today, but he didn’t give a definite yes or no. So when I got home, I expected to be driving there. I got “dressed up” and did my hair. I even picked out a dress that he had said he really liked (he facebook stalked me.). Then when I was done he told me that he was getting used to his schedule and that he would like to try for Friday. I was pissed. I had planned things around this, and hadn’t give Sky or Lexi an answer on doing things with them. I felt like an asshole to Lexi and Sky because I hadn’t been able to respond to them.

We talked about it more.. and he said that Friday he would come to me.. I didn’t really know what to say. People don’t ever want to come to me, if they do its to meet somewhere or something to that extent. In that aspect, he redeemed himself a lot. But I’m still stuck here wondering what in the hell to do.

Its been almost two weeks since he said take it slow..and I’m wondering how many more weeks it will be, and when I should just call it quits instead of being dragged (I care about him more than he does me).

But yeah.. thats the life of Rochelle now..