“When you’re not up for cooking or eating at home what restaurants do you generally go to? How often do you go and which ones are your favorites?”
Honestly I don’t really go to restaurants all that much. When I don’t feel like cooking something I pretty much force myself to because there is no reason to order out when I’m perfectly capable of making something myself, and saving myself money.
My favorite place to go though when I’m feeling “special” is either a brazillian steakhouse or texas road house.
Life..
*sigh*
Sky and Lexi have both said that if I ever call myself fat around them again that they’ll both slap me. It honestly pisses me off, because I am fat. There is no denying it. I’m not at a healthy weight, nor fat to muscle ratio. More of me jiggles than stays still. Therefore, fat. If they want to slap me for this, then so be it. If I’ll be slapped for saying the truth, whatever.
Tonight was girls night, and in all honesty I was completely disconnected the entire time. I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking about things in my life. Friends, family, etc.. Tonight I was mostly in my own world working out my problems with myself and with others.
Jessie seems to have made her way into the group perfectly. Tonight we had “girls night”. At the beginning it was me more so watching the “group” of girls. I’m still upset with Jessie for what she told me last night, simply because I had hopes for the way things were going, to have a door closed in my face. I know she wasn’t leading me on, and she could have made it worse by waiting to tell me, but it doesn’t change the fact that it hurt my feelings, and lately those have been all sorts of fucked up. So in all honesty I didn’t want to be around her to begin with. I’m extremely attracted to her and having said door closed means I have to figure out how to not be attracted to her, or at least come to terms with it. With Lexi and Sky it was easy. There was never the possibility of something happening between the two of us. So being their friend was easy. Yes I’m still very much so attracted to both of them, but never once have I thought that something would honestly happen besides just being friends.
Anyway, I watched the group.. it seemed when Jessie would ask the “group” something she would look to Lexi and Sky, they would agree and not a second glance towards me. This happened more than once, and it just made me not want to be around her even more. I felt like I was being kicked out of my own group. Lexi had said that Jessie is an addition, not a replacement, so then why is it each time we hang out I feel like I’m losing those that are closest to me? And no this isn’t a fact of they can only be friends with me an no one else. Sky has friends, Lexi has friends, its just that Jessie is now part of the group.. which is very small to begin with.. and I’ve always felt like I was the glue that kept it going.. and now I feel like I’m being left out of things(even if it hasn’t happened (for all that I know?) it still feels like it).
I’ve decided that I’m going to try and see a therapist again. I’m going to go up Saturday and get a psych evaluation.
I thought a lot about where Lexi had said that I define myself by the people that I’m with, so I’ve decided to take a step back from things. If Lexi or Sky want to hang out, they’re free to text me, and if I’m not busy I’ll come over, but I’m not going to dedicate trying to get out of this apartment every single night. Even though me time sometimes scares me, I need it. I need to find myself again instead of pretending that everything is alright.
The Lee situation.. I’m not even sure what to do about anymore.
He told me that he wanted to see me this week, and when we talked monday it seemed that I was going to be going down on tuesday to see him. Tuesday after work I came home, took a shower, did my hair and found a dress that he had previously commented on that he liked on me. I finished getting ready, and after two hours of waiting for him to tell me if I was coming down or not, I finally gave up. I ended up taking Lexi to work and teaching Sky how to make my mashed potatoes.. Lee said that he was sorry for not getting back to me sooner, and in all honesty it wasn’t completely his fault. I can’t expect him to be by his phone all the time, and I know that I’m not a major priority in his life, nor is his phone. Yes, I got angry, but in the end I realized that I was blowing it completely out of proportion.
He said that he wanted to shoot for him coming down here on Friday.. well, tomorrow is Friday. He said that as far as he knows he’s coming down tomorrow. However, insecure rochelle (or more so emotional rochelle as I’ve named it..) is scared that he’s going to bail at the last minute. I’m scared that he’ll give me a bullshit excuse for not being able to come down, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I keep telling myself “If he does that then I’m done, I’m not going to put up with this bullshit.” but I’m not sure if I can keep to that. I care about him too much.. and honestly want to see where this takes me. And because I’m too much of a pussy to end things when there is the potential for them to grow(see all the guys that have broken up with me because I still have hope..). I wish I didn’t feel the way that I do, but I can’t change my feelings, so its either suck it up and deal with it, or continue to be emotional. For some reason I’m trying to find a happy medium.. trying to find a way to keep my emotions in check. To me, I’m doing absolutely dreadful, but I have no idea how he sees this all.
I find that I can’t talk about him with Lexi or Sky, at least not my feelings and how things are going. The only news I feel I can actually talk about is if things are going good, or if they end. Otherwise I hear them tell me the things I already know. I know that this whole situation is fucked up. I know that he’s not really handling it correctly, one second its take it slow, the next its him sending me a dick picture trying to turn me on (which.. always works :/). He’s sending me mixed signals, and its confusing the fuck out of me. Rational Rochelle gets that he wants to take it slow, but also understands that he’s going about it completely wrong. That I should set limits, instead of letting him set them. But I can’t because as always, my emotions rule out on rationality when it comes to my own feelings…I want more than anything to protect myself from getting hurt, but at the same time I’m afraid in doing so I’ll push him away, and its the last thing I want right now.
I started talking to a friend again.. someone that knows me better than anyone else. I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to them about all this, at least not in depth.. they seem to be the only person I can listen to when it comes to advice with my own heart. *sigh*
In other news, I’m kicking my ass into shape. I’m going to the gym three days a week with Lexi (and possibly sky?) doing pole fitness classes with Sky on Sundays and then 5 days of the week training in Brazillian Jiu Jitsu(BJJ). I’ve got a nice collection of bruises, and for me, thats saying something. I’m not one to bruise easily, so when I do, I actually love them. Proof that I’ve been doing at least something.. I’m hoping to get down to 130-140 pounds. But in all honesty its not about the pounds but more so being in shape. If I’m in shape and weigh more, whatever, I just want to be comfortable in my own body again.
Ryan came home today. He had to go away on business, and wasn’t supposed to get home until tomorrow. Sky, Jessie and myself helped him plan to surprise Lexi. I was really happy that she could have Ryan back early. I knew it was hard on her to be away form him. At the same time it made me a bit jealous. Guys have never really surprised me with something like that. The one thing that stands out in my mind like that, is when Lars sent me roses (my favorite flower) on Halloween (my favorite holiday) with a balloon that said I love you. Surprises don’t happen too often to me, I seem to be the one to help plan them, help exicute them, or do them myself. *sigh*
anyway I believe this is long enough, there is a lot more I would like to say, but in all honesty I feel like I’m already going to get bitched out for what I’ve said..so until later. Or for my diary..